MY OWN LABEL SCOTCH

Much has been written about the delights and complexity of single malts, with liberal use of phrases such as "vanilla high notes", "hints of tarmac" and "mahogany finish". But beyond "on or off the rocks", with or without water or a choice of mixer, little attention is given to the style of whisky that is drunk in vast quantities around the world, namely blended.Glengoyne distillery - makers of the late Queen Mother's favourite Highland tipple (Langs Select) - has recently begun offering visitors a chance to right this with a crash course in whisky blending. Students are introduced to the fine art with a brief talk, a spot of sampling and a guided tour of the distillery. Then comes the best bit, as they are let loose in the lab to create their own bespoke blend. I signed up for the next available course. Surely, with a clear palate and a steady hand I should be able to produce a decent dram, I thought. Looking back, it was the lack of a steady anything that was my undoing.

The Arrival

Everything started so well. It was a crystal-clear autumn morning as I taxied the dozen or so miles from Glasgow to the distillery. Wood smoke and warm malt perfumed the air as we drew up to the whitewashed buildings of Glengoyne. Stuart Hendry, the company's resident "brand ambassador", was there to greet me and guided me to the newly converted manager's house - a solid, Victorian building that houses a visitors' clubhouse, meeting place and a state-of-the-art sampling room.

It has all been spruced up in a modern-Scottish style: lots of native oak, slate, an open fire and contemporary wallpaper courtesy of the Glasgow-based designers Timorous Beasties. The Scottish Parliament would do well to decree that all conversions be as restrained and elegant as Glengoyne's.

The First Wee Dram

When the four other trainee blenders arrived we strolled up to the Glengoyne waterfall for the first dram of the day. I realised I was in for a serious session when one of my fellow mixers introduced himself as Charlie MacLean, renowned whisky expert and presenter for Singlemalt TV - a new, 24-hour channel dedicated to just two topics: making whisky and drinking it.The next heavyweight was Ian Black, author of the Tartan Army Songbook and occasional whisky correspondent for the Glasgow Herald. Over a generous tumbler or three of Glengoyne's 17-year-old single malt, we perused the waterfall, delighted in the lack of midges and discussed the relative merits of bourbon barrels over sherry casks. Or was it the other way round? It was only 10.30 in the morning, I had already drunk a Burns' Night worth of whisky and we hadn't even begun the blending.

The Blending

In the oak-furnished sample room there were enough flasks, test tubes and measuring instruments to stock a chemistry lab. The walls were lined with the weapons of mass self-destruction: hundreds of samples from Glengoyne's bonded warehouse. Stuart gave us a wee chat about the importance of good barley, balance and maturation. He explained that blended whisky has a grain whisky base (distilled wheat or corn) combined with a magic mix of single malts (whisky made entirely from malted barley).

We were then presented with a large laboratory flask and eight, carefully labelled whisky bottles. The line-up read like the shipping forecast: Lowland, Highland, Speyside, Island, Islay and Glengoyne (the single malts); North British and Invergordon (the two grain whiskies). The only rules were that we had to use at least 50 per cent grain whisky and keep a written record of our blend. Like earnest exam students we reached for our red pipettes and began marrying the spirits.

It was when Ian (Tartan Army) Black demonstrated the Glaswegian style of whisky tasting that I realised things were about to get out of hand. No sniffing, no swirling, no wasteful spittoon; he grasped the 250ml flask in both hands and downed a massive wallop of the amber liquid in one gulp. Learning by example, I abandoned my careful drop by drop mix-and-taste technique and began to slosh in generous quantities of my favourite single malts. In went Islay, then Island, with an occasional splash of Glengoyne to be polite, and then more Islay. Naturally, this bulk-blending method needed plenty of sampling and I was soon drowning in my own intoxicating creativity.

I had just begun to hum the lively section of The Sorcerer's Apprentice when Stuart announced that blending time was over. Judging by the happy grins around the table, "time, gentlemen, please" would have been more appropriate. Our record sheets were archived (heaven help the person who had to decipher my scrawl) and our blends whisked away to be decanted into individually labelled bottles.

Charlie's creation, christened "Lovemaking in a Boat", was judged the best and my own attempt, "Eoin's Uisge Beath", was dismissed as the peaty mismatch and waste of Islay that it was. After a flurry of hearty handshakes my fellow blenders bundled themselves into a taxi and away to Glasgow while I staggered off to start the second leg of my Highland adventure.

The Non-Walk

Glengoyne lies at the southern foot of the Campsie Fells, with Scotland's best known long-distance footpath, the West Highland Way, passing just a few hundred yards from the distillery door. My plan had been to step straight from the blending session on to the footpath and to reach Loch Lomond by teatime. It was the straight part of the plan that was causing me problems. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was so weak that I retired to my hotel, the Winnock in the village of Drymen, for a reviving nap.

I did the walk the following morning, after sleeping soundly through an afternoon of lively wedding celebrations. I might not have produced the most balanced blend at the course, but I like to think I have invented a fantastic cure for jet-lag.

THE VERDICT

Three out of five. Cracking course but the local accommodation lacked the sophistication of some of the blends (not mine, I hasten to add).

The Details

Getting there

Glengoyne distillery is about 15 miles from Glasgow city centre. A taxi costs about £20.

Staying there

The Winnock Hotel in Drymen (01360 660245, www.winnockhotel.com) offers single rooms from £49 a night, including breakfast. A package of one night's accommodation (in twin or double room) combined with a whisky blending session costs £75 per head (£20 supplement for single occupancy).

The Oak Tree Inn, Balmaha (01360 870357, www.oak-tree-inn.co.uk), is a few miles farther from Glengoyne, situated right on the eastern shore of Loch Lomond. It has great views of the Trossachs as well as an interesting menu featuring Atlantic char. Doubles from £70.

Master blending courses The Master Blender Session costs £25 per person and consists of a two-hour tour and a 45-minute blending session. It includes a chance to try a selection of Glengoyne whiskies and students are given a 100ml bottle of their own blend.

The one-day Glengoyne Masterclass for connoisseurs, £100, covers the distilling process in depth, a blending session and lunch.

Glengoyne is open seven days a week; for further information call 01360 550 254 or visit www.glengoyne.com.

The walk For information about the West Highland Way, see www.west-highland-way.co.uk.

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